Jennifer McKenzie
Romance--Boy meets girl. Romantic Suspense--Boy meets girl with dead bodies.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
What's Love Got To Do WIth It?
Over at PRINCESS BANTER'S BLOG she was talking about divorce and it got me thinking about relationships in general. Several of her commenter's seemed completely disillusioned about the idea of marriage. Me, I love marriage. But I'll tell you a secret. It's one they don't tell you before you take the plunge and sign the license.
Marriage is HARD EFFING WORK!!!
No duh, you say.
Well, I didn't know that when I took my first plunge. I believed that love would conquer all--his drinking, my obsessions, his lack of desire for children, my unreasonable demand to have them. To be honest, I don't think there was a lack of love in my first marriage. Even at the end, we had respect for each other, a gift given to me from Al-Anon. I wanted to stick it out. I prayed every day to find a way to let go of my desire for children and my resentment in our marriage. Though my first husband and I had a good friendship, what we didn't have was a marriage. I had my life, he had his. They touched, but we lived like roommates rather than a married couple. I had a big part in that sad lack as well.
When I finally called it quits after seven years, I don't think he was too upset by it. Sad, perhaps. We both were. Our divorce was amicable with no kids and very little assets.
But it shook me to my core. I wasn't who I thought I was. I was a sticker, wasn't I? I didn't give up when the going got tough, right? But here I was--a quitter. Or so I thought.
I've come to understand that perseverance is about getting back up and trying again. Not the frantic plunge into "Mr. Next" that satisfies the aching hole when a relationship ends, but a careful dive into the same water that might have been ice cold before. I did that. I got married again. And my redneck will tell you that it was an arduous campaign. Don't believe it. He didn't have me at "Hello" but damn near!
It hasn't been hearts and flowers for the redneck and I. We've had disability that scared us both to death. We've had little babies 362 days apart which almost sent me out of my mind. We've had my best friend and his brother date, move in together and break up painfully. Through it all, we've fought, cried and hung in there. And so far, it's been great.
One. Day. At. A. Time.
And that's how I think marriage works. We change, grow, expand, shrink, grow old, grow afraid or get courageous and confound our partners regularly. THAT'S why it's work. I don't mean marriage counseling (though it's great) or Oprah or self help books. I mean the everyday trying to be respectful, open and receptive to the one person who will hopefully stand by us.
It also helps to have close friends to bitch to. THAT can save a person a lot of blown gaskets.
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Name:: Jennifer McKenzie Location:: California
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