Jennifer McKenzie
Romance--Boy meets girl. Romantic Suspense--Boy meets girl with dead bodies.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Thirteen Things I Hate About.........
MAMMOGRAMS!!!!!
I wasn't going to put that in my title. But in honor of my wonderful experiences for the last two weeks and because I didn't get my Whiskey Wednesday up (due to an obsession with Windows Movie Maker) I decided to share all the reasons I HATE mammograms. (I'm ignoring the positives here. I don't need reminding that they help prevent deaths from breast cancer. I know that. But I'm not doing 13 things I LOVE about mammograms. That might get weird.)
Sooooooo, here we go.
1. No Deoderant
In order to have an accurate reading, a woman must go "au natural". Which is fine if you're a sweet smelling female, not a stay at home mom/wookie.
2. The Boob positioning
No matter how professional a radiologist can be, there is still the moment that I have to present my nipple for the little dot sticker thing and let him/her lift my breast into position.
3. The Breath Holding
"Now, hold your breath and don't move." Yeah, and don't think about the fact that I may have cancer or my friggin boob is being mashed to death.
4. The Mashing
This is one of those things I can't describe. For me, because I'm a *ahem* "big" woman, the mashing is pretty uncomfortable. I understand from the less endowed that this is universal. These machines are sophisticated with attachments that make it more like a food processor than a piece of medical equipment. Yet, mashing a woman's boob is the only way to do this? Please.
5. The Inaccuracy
Now this is personal for me. Every time I have a mammogram (or a papsmear for that matter) I always have "something". In this case, it was a "dense spot". Sooooo after having my boobs smashed eight times at eight different angles, I went back in for ANOTHER smashing. At least it was only my left one this time. THEN an ultrasound after that. All to be told, "I don't see anything." Um Okay.
6. The Time Away From Writing
I could have been plugging away at my latest wip (quit laughing) and getting my word count up (I mean it. Stop laughing!) or editing one of them to clean them up (You're going to hurt yourself if you keep laughing that way.).
7. The Worry
Don't get me wrong. Not MY worry. My husband's and friend's worry. Honestly, I didn't worry. Well not until the VERY end. Every time I thought "My mother has had it three times." Or "A dense spot. That's it. I'm dying." I just reminded myself that worry was stupid. My husband was WORRIED though.
8. The Waiting
Do I really need to rant about doctor's offices?
9. The Mashing
Sorry, I hate the mashing. It deserved a repeat. So. Much. Mashing.
10. The Reality
Having mammograms means facing reality. I ain't young anymore. If the grey hair wasn't a reality check for me, this is. It means that from now on, the clock is ticking. The trick is to ignore it. Kind of like I do when I'm writing and I "only have an hour before I have to pick up the kids." Ignore the clock. It will chime when it's time.
11. The Hospital Gowns
They open in the front and, if you're skinny (and I'm not), the thing falls off your shoulders. If you're me, it doesn't tie. I think it's some test to see if we can read a magazine while holding the two open parts over our boobies.
12. The Cold Squeezy Stuff
Now this isn't necessarily part of a regular mammogram, but if you're me, THEN you get the added fun of a boob ultrasound. This involves the cold stuff they spread over the area. If you've ever seen your baby on a sonogram, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, consider yourself lucky. That stuff is cold and sticky. And when you're not wearing deodorant......
13. The Not Being Able To Breathe
This may be unique to me, but as I was getting that lovely ultrasound, that worry I'd been so good at keeping under wraps, swamped me. Suddenly, I couldn't breath. The room was too close. The technician was too close. I wanted out of there BAD. I was panicked. Mind you, I was absolutely still, but that lack of deodorant was a real problem at that moment. I started thinking "Oh my God. What if it's worse than they think? What if I have to do chemo? I'm a lousy housekeeper NOW. I can't do anything if I'm sick on chemo." You know, a million miles an hour and getting nowhere. The hamster wheel of misery.
Just about the time I thought I was going to sit up and bolt, gown and all, the tech finished and said "I didn't see anything." My first thought was "What the *&%&* does that mean?" He showed the radiologist and gave me a clean bill of health.
I fled out the door as fast as my legs would carry me. AFTER I put my shirt back on. LOL.
So, while I'm grateful for new technology and so on, I still HATE mammograms.
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Name:: Jennifer McKenzie Location:: California
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